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Annamite_en_Amérique



Joined: 20 Jun 2009
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 12:23 am    Post subject: Love Trouble for Trump Reply with quote

Satire from The Borowitz Report
Kim Jong Un Upset to Learn That Trump Is Seeing Other Dictators

PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—The North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un, is reportedly “upset” and “hurt” that Donald J. Trump is seeing other dictators, sources in Pyongyang have confirmed.

According to an aide close to the North Korean leader, Kim was “devastated” to see images of Trump warmly embracing another dictator in Helsinki on Monday, just one month after jetting off to Singapore to spend a memorable and intense five hours with Kim.

Shortly after their time together, aides close to Kim warned him against becoming emotionally attached to Trump, alerting Kim to press reports linking the American to many other dictators.

“He’s been quoted saying nice things about Xi Jinping and Rodrigo Duterte, to name just two,” one aide said. “Trump could never commit to just one dictator. When it comes to autocrats and strongmen, he’s a total player.”

Still, despite all the red flags, seeing Trump in the clutches of another dictator left Kim “deeply wounded,” aides said.

“Donald Trump said that he and I had a ‘special bond,’ ” Kim reportedly said, choking back tears. “I guess that meant something different to him than it did to me.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/kim-jong-un-upset-to-learn-that-trump-is-seeing-other-dictators
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Annamite_en_Amérique



Joined: 20 Jun 2009
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 12:25 am    Post subject: Mueller Believes Putin! Reply with quote

Satire from The Borowitz Report
Mueller Immediately Closes Investigation After Hearing Putin Proclaim His Innocence

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel Robert Mueller announced on Saturday that he was closing the Justice Department’s Russia investigation, “effective immediately,” after hearing that President Vladimir Putin, of Russia, said he was innocent of any election meddling.

Moments after learning about Putin’s assertion, Mueller hastily assembled his staff of investigators to inform them that, now that Putin had fully exonerated himself, there was no point in continuing the probe.

“Vladimir Putin says he did nothing,” Mueller told his staff. “That’s good enough for me.”

Speaking later to reporters, Mueller said that, by disbanding his investigation, he was following the time-honored law-enforcement tradition of taking a suspect’s word for it.

“For the past several months, we’ve assembled tax records, cell-phone recordings, bank transfers, and e-mail communications that indicated Russia was involved in the election,” a visibly shaken Mueller said. “Somehow, we got it wrong—very, very wrong.”

As for his future plans, Mueller said that his first order of business was to write a hearfelt letter of apology to Putin.

“I feel terrible knowing that I’ve spent all this time investigating a person who did absolutely nothing wrong,” he said. “Hindsight is 20/20, but I really should have called him first and asked him what really happened.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/mueller-immediately-closes-investigation-after-hearing-putin-proclaim-his-innocence
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Annamite_en_Amérique



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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 12:27 am    Post subject: Russians Involved in Trump Campaign Hold Reunion Reply with quote

Satire from The Borowitz Report
Russians Involved in Trump Campaign Hold Reunion

MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Marking the one-year anniversary of the 2016 U.S. Presidential election, Russians who played key roles in the Trump campaign gathered for a reunion in Moscow’s Red Square.

The reunion gave hundreds of thousands of Russians an opportunity to celebrate and share warm memories of their successful 2016 effort.

Alexey Zholtovsky, a computer specialist who set up over ten thousand separate troll accounts on social-media sites to benefit the Republican nominee, called the reunion a chance for Russians who worked on the Trump campaign to finally meet each other face to face.

“A lot of these people were just electronic funds transfers to me before today,” he said.

Vasilisa Lokhvitskaya, an intelligence analyst with close ties to the Kremlin, said that she “very much enjoyed getting to know” Donald Trump, Jr., Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, and George Papadopoulos over the course of many meetings to discuss the campaign.

“They were all such fantastic guys,” she said. “So available, so accessible. It was never hard getting in touch with them. Those were the days!”

However, she said that she was baffled by reports coming out of the White House in recent days indicating that Papadopoulos had played a peripheral role in the campaign. “There are, what, maybe three hundred thousand people here at this reunion?” she said. “We all met with George.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/russians-involved-in-trump-campaign-hold-reunion
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 12:29 am    Post subject: China Slaps 2000% Tariff on Tanning Beds Reply with quote

Satire from The Borowitz Report
China Slaps Two-Thousand-Per-Cent Tariff on Tanning Beds

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest salvo in its escalating trade war with the United States, China has slapped all tanning beds slated for export to the U.S. with a two-thousand-per-cent tariff.

By artificially hiking up the cost of its tanning beds, China succeeded in sending the price of tanning beds worldwide soaring in overnight markets.

In what some experts regarded as a related move, China also placed a four-thousand-per-cent tariff on all spray-tan products headed for the U.S., as well as instant-tanning lotions, makeup foundation, and several popular hues of orange paint, including butter rum and burnt sienna.

The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, blasted China’s tariffs on its full range of tanning products, calling the move an “act of war.”

“What China doesn’t understand is that it is far from the only player in the tanning game,” Sanders said. “The United States stands ready and willing to import tanning beds from our friends in Canada.”

In Ottawa, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded to reporters’ questions about the prospect of Canada shipping tanning beds to the United States. “It doesn’t look good,” he said.

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/china-slaps-two-thousand-per-cent-tariff-on-tanning-beds
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PostPosted: Tue Aug 14, 2018 12:33 am    Post subject: Mueller’s Big Break Reply with quote

Satire from The Borowitz Report
Merkel Asks Mueller If There’s Anything She Can Do to Help

BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report)—The German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, took a break from the NATO summit in Brussels on Wednesday to ask the independent counsel, Robert Mueller, if there is anything she can do to help.

According to those familiar with the phone conversation, Merkel told Mueller that she would take a leave of absence as leader of the German government and move to Washington to work full-time for Mueller “if that would be of assistance.”

Touting her credentials, Merkel told Mueller that she was fluent in Russian and could be helpful in translating the thousands of Russian-language documents that the special counsel has in his collection of evidence.

“I will work for free and pay my for my own food,” Merkel said. “I just want to make this stop.”

Mueller reportedly thanked Merkel for her offer but told her he had to wrap up their conversation because he had “Emmanuel Macron on the other line.”

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/merkel-asks-mueller-if-theres-anything-she-can-do-to-help
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