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The difference between Christmas and Chanukah

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Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Thu Dec 22, 2016 2:55 pm    Post subject: The difference between Christmas and Chanukah Reply with quote

Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Christmas and Chanukah, you'll know what and how to answer!

1 Christmas is one day, same day every year, December 25. Jews also love December 25th.
It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening
of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to
consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots.
We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the
kosher butcher, Montefiore, your synagogue, funeral home or Chevra Kadisha.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays:
They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos...Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hanukkah, Hannukah, etc. (Spellcheck is of no help here)

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners
expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring
on Chanukah. (Birthdays, on the other hand....)

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for Chanukah.Not only are
we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

7. Christmas carols are beautiful...Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful....(I learned these in the 8th grade....before it became politically incorrect)
Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the Hora.
Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written
by our tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully? (Irving Berlin's WHITE CHRISTMAS?)

8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell of cookies and
cakes baking. Happy people are gathered
around in festive moods.
A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. The home, as always,
is full of loud people all talking at once.

9. Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

10. Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

11. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Yehuda Ha-Maccabee, and Mattathius (aka Mattityahu Kohen Ben Yochanaan) or
whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it.
On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

12. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, 'Yossela,Bubbela, snap out of it.
Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink'.

13. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday.
It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person. Better stick with Chanukah!

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Joined: 09 Dec 2006
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Location: Circus

PostPosted: Sun Jan 01, 2017 11:29 pm    Post subject: Christmas one-liners Reply with quote

What do you call a kid who doesn't believe in Santa? A rebel without a Claus.

What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!

Why is Christmas just like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him

Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations? Tinselitis!

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa have any children ? Because he only comes once a year, and when he does, it's down the chimney.

What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
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