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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 315
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Fri Aug 11, 2017 3:37 am    Post subject: This won't happen to Trump! Reply with quote

Q: Why did they have to bury George Washington standing up?
A: Because he could never lie.
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mimosa



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 554
Location: On a little pink cloud

PostPosted: Tue Aug 22, 2017 7:18 pm    Post subject: Living Will Reply with quote

Be careful what you wish for...
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mimosa



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 554
Location: On a little pink cloud

PostPosted: Thu Sep 07, 2017 12:16 am    Post subject: As I get older, I realize... Reply with quote

As I get older, I realize:

#1 - I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#2 - I consider "On Trend" to be the clothes that still fit.

#3 - I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

#4 - My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance for idiots that needs work.

#5 - The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

#6 - I have days when my life is just a tent away from a circus.

#7 - These days, "on time" is when I get there.

#8 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

#9 - Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

#10 - Lately, I've noticed people my age are so much older than me.

#11 - "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering why I'm there.

#12 - When I was a child, I thought nap time was punishment. Now It feels like a mini vacation.

#13 - Some days I have no idea what I'm doing out of bed.

#14 - I thought growing old would take longer.

#15 - Aging sure has slowed me down, but it hasn't shut me up.

#16 - I still haven't learned to act my age.
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2017 9:52 pm    Post subject: Jewish cab driver Reply with quote

Just to take your mind off serious things...The story is old but still deserves a chuckle!

Now that I have your attention, here's an amusing story!!!!



A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,

"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell...... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"
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Pungconk



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 181
Location: NYC

PostPosted: Sat Oct 14, 2017 10:46 pm    Post subject: Jewish cab driver Reply with quote

Do you people think that picture was photoshopped, or did someone really jumped naked into a NYC cab? wonder
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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 315
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Thu Nov 09, 2017 12:32 am    Post subject: 80 year old Couple Texting Reply with quote

I actually don't find this one all that funny, but what the heck. One of my regular provider of jokes sent it to me, might as well share it with you all.

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones.

The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears……..
I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Sun Nov 12, 2017 12:51 am    Post subject: How do you call Money ? Reply with quote

How interesting .... I never thought Money has different names!!! In temple or church, it's called donation. In school, it's fee. In marriage, it's called dowry. In divorce, alimony. When you owe someone, it's debt. When you pay the government, it's tax. In court, it's fines. Civil servant retirees, it's pension. Employer to workers, it's salary. Master to subordinates, it's wages. To children, it's allowance. When you borrow from bank, it's loan. When you offer after a good service. it's tips. To kidnappers, it's ransom. Illegally received in the name of service, it's bribe.

The question is, "when a husband gives to his wife, what do we call it???

ANSWER: Money given to your wife is called DUTY, and every man has to do his duty because wives are not DUTY FREE...
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Wed Nov 22, 2017 5:49 pm    Post subject: Bad parrot! Reply with quote

A young man named Dick received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
>>
>> Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
>>
>> John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.
>>
>> Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
>>
>> Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
>>
>> Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."
>>
>> John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.
>>
>> As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
>>

>> "May I ask what the turkey did?"
>>
>> HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2017 1:49 am    Post subject: Disorder in the Courts Reply with quote

Involuntary humor! I'm sure you have read some of these before but these oldies are still funny... super grin

>
> These are from a
> book, "Disorder in the
> Court", and
> are things people actually said in court,
>
> word for word, taken down and
> published by court reporters that had the torment of staying
> calm while the exchanges were taking place.
>
> ______________________________ _
> __
>
>
>
> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at
> the moment of the impact?
>
> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and
> .
>
> ______________________________
> ______
>
> ATTORNEY: What is your
> date of birth?
> WITNESS: July
> 18th.
> ATTORNEY: What
> year?
> WITNESS: Every
> year.
> ______________________________
> _______
>
> ATTORNEY: How old is
> your son, the one living with you?
> WITNESS: Thirty-eight
> or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
> ATTORNEY: How long has
> he lived with you?
> WITNESS: Forty-five
> years.
> ______________________________ _
> _________
>
> ATTORNEY: Now doctor,
> isn't it true that when a person dies in
> his
> sleep, he doesn't
> know about it until the next morning?
> WITNESS: Did you
> actually pass the bar exam?
> ______________________________
> ______
> ATTORNEY: The youngest
> son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
> WITNESS: He's 20,
> very close to your IQ.
> ______________________________
> ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: Were you
> present when your picture was taken?
> WITNESS: Are you
> shitting me?
>
> ______________________________
> ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: So the date
> of conception (of the baby) was August
> 8th?
> WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: And what were
> you doing at that time?
> WITNESS: Getting
> laid
> ______________________________
> ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: She had three
> children, right?
> WITNESS:
> Yes.
> ATTORNEY: How many were
> boys?
> WITNESS:
> None.
> ATTORNEY: Were there
> any girls?
> WITNESS: Your Honor, I
> need a different attorney. Can I get a
> new
> attorney?
> ______________________________
> ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: How was your
> first marriage terminated?
> WITNESS: By
> death.
> ATTORNEY: And by whose
> death was it terminated?
> WITNESS: Take a
> guess.
> ______________________________
> ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: Can you
> describe the individual?
> WITNESS: He was about
> medium height and had a beard.
> ATTORNEY: Was this a
> male or a female?
> WITNESS: Unless the
> Circus was in town I'm going with male.
> ______________________________
> _______
>
> ATTORNEY: Is your
> appearance here this morning pursuant
> to a deposition notice
> which I sent to your attorney?
> WITNESS: No, this is
> how I dress when I go to work.
> ______________________________
> ________
>
> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how
> many of your autopsies have you
> performed on dead
> people?
> WITNESS: All of them.
> The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>
> ______________________________
> ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: ALL of your
> responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
> did you
> attend?
> WITNESS:
> Oral.
> ______________________________
> ___________
>
> ATTORNEY: Do you recall
> the time that you examined the body?
> WITNESS: The autopsy
> started around 8:30
> PM.
> ATTORNEY: And Mr.
> Denton was dead at the time?
> WITNESS: If not, he was
> by the time I finished.
> ______________________________
> ___________
> ATTORNEY: Doctor,
> before you performed the autopsy, did you
> check for a
> pulse?
> WITNESS:
> No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check
> for blood pressure?
> WITNESS:
> No.
> ATTORNEY: Did you check
> for breathing?
> WITNESS:
> No.
> ATTORNEY: So, then it
> is possible that the patient was alive when
> you
> began the
> autopsy?
> WITNESS:
> No.
> ATTORNEY: How can you
> be so sure, Doctor?
> WITNESS: Because his
> brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
> ATTORNEY: I see, but
> could the patient have still been alive,
> nevertheless?
> WITNESS: Yes, it is
> possible that he could have been alive and
> practicing
> law.
>
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inkling7
Admin Pro Tem


Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 6711
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Sat Nov 25, 2017 4:11 am    Post subject: Oldies Reply with quote

They are funny but I'm pretty sure I first saw it in this site ages ago and it has popped up on Facebook a few times too.... super grin
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