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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 512
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 11:50 am    Post subject: HOW DO COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES? Reply with quote

Oldies but still worth a chuckle!

Unbelievable - LOL


These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________ _
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________ ___
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
______________________________ ______
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________ ______________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
______________________________ _____________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________ _______
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________ ________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
______________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
______________________________ ________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

HOW DO COURT REPORTERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES?
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Pungconk



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 177
Location: NYC

PostPosted: Thu Jul 06, 2017 11:54 am    Post subject: Disorder in the Courts Reply with quote

Oldies, maybe, but there were actually a couple that I hadn't seen before. super grin
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mimosa



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 554
Location: On a little pink cloud

PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:00 pm    Post subject: Missing wife report Reply with quote

Missing wife report…

Husband: My wife is missing; she went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure, a little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know; not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown, I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year; maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2016 pearl white Ram Limited 4X4 with 6.4l Hemi V8 engine ordered with the Ram Box bar and fridge option, led lighting, back up and front camera, Moose hide leather heated and cooled seats, climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, Weather Tech floor mats. Trailing package with gold hitch, sunroof, DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio, Cobra 75 WX ST 40-channel CB radio, six cup holders, 3 USB port, and 4 power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Toyo tires. It has custom retracting running boards and under-glow wheel well lighting. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy sir, we'll find your truck.
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mimosa



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 554
Location: On a little pink cloud

PostPosted: Sat Jul 15, 2017 3:07 pm    Post subject: Internet Life Reply with quote

INTERNET LIFE

Hello! Gordon's Pizza?

No sir, it's Google Pizza.

So, I've the wrong number?

No sir, Google bought Gordon's Pizza.

OK - take my order please…

Well sir, you want the usual?

The usual? How do you know me?

According to your caller ID, the last 12 times you ordered pizza with cheese, sausage, thick crust…

OK! OK! That's it! GO!!

Sir, may I suggest to you this time ricotta cheese, arugula with sun-dried tomatoes?

NO! I hate vegetables!

But your cholesterol is high!

How do you know?

Through the Lab subscriber's guide.

We have the results of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I want my regular pizza - I already take medicine.

But sir, you've not taken your medicine regularly.

Four months ago, you only purchased a box with 30 tablets at Drugsale Network.

I bought more from another drugstore.

It's not showing on your credit card.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw that much cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

This's not showing on your last Income-Tax return, unless you got it from an undeclared source.

WHAT THE HELL? Enough! I'm sick of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp. I'm going to an Island without Wi-Fi or internet - where there's no cell phones or satellites to spy on me.

I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport, as it expired 5 weeks ago…
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 512
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Thu Jul 20, 2017 12:05 pm    Post subject: A young Law student Reply with quote

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student: "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor: "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student: "OK. So I’d like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't give me the correct answer, you'll have to give me an "A".

Professor: "Hmmmm, all right. So what’s the question?"

Student: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

The professor wracks his famous brain, but just can't crack the answer. Finally he gives up and changes the student's failing mark into an "A" as agreed, and the student goes away, very pleased.

The professor continues to wrack his brain over the question all afternoon, but still can’t get the answer. So finally he calls in a group of his brightest students and tells them he has a really, really tough question to answer: "What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”

To the professor's surprise (and embarrassment), all the students immediately raise their hands.

"All right" says the professor and asks his favorite student to answer

"It's quite easy, sir" says the student "You see, you are 75 years old and married to a 30 year old woman, which is legal, but not logical. Your wife has a 18 year old lover, which is logical, but not legal. And your wife's lover failed his exam but you've just given him an "A" and that's neither logical nor legal.
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murat



Joined: 13 Dec 2005
Posts: 1388
Location: New York

PostPosted: Sun Jul 23, 2017 2:39 am    Post subject: Churchill's Wit Reply with quote

Réparties from Churchill

This one is my favorite

One day shortly after the Second World War ended, Winston Churchill and the newly elected Labour Party Prime Minister Clement Attlee encountered one another at the urinals in the House of Commons men’s washroom. Attlee had arrived first, and was standing at one of the stalls closest to the door.
Although Attlee was the only other man in the room, Churchill entered and walked to the farthest urinal — ten or twelve stalls away from Attlee. With a smug grin, Attlee said, “Feeling standoffish today, are we, Winston?”
Churchill replied: “That’s right. Every time you see something this big, you want to nationalize it.”
======================================
“Churchill was in the lavatory in the House of Commons and his secretary knocked on the door and said: Excuse me Prime Minister, but the Lord Privy Seal wishes to speak to you. After a pause Churchill replied: Tell His Lordship: I'm sealed on The Privy and can only deal with one shit at a time”
============================================
Young man [after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands]: At Eton, they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow, they taught us not to piss on our hands.
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Aussi Aussie



Joined: 01 Apr 2014
Posts: 115
Location: Down Under

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 10:04 pm    Post subject: Computer-age jokes in Haiku Reply with quote

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.
-----------------------------
With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
'My Novel' not found.
-----------------------------
The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao-until
You bring fresh toner.
-----------------------------
Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.
-----------------------------
A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.
----------------------------
Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.
----------------------------
You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.
----------------------------
Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.
----------------------------
Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.
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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 315
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 10:23 pm    Post subject: Computer-age jokes in Haiku Reply with quote

I can identify with most of the above. super grin
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Pungconk



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 177
Location: NYC

PostPosted: Sun Aug 06, 2017 3:03 pm    Post subject: The Little Boy and the Tooth Fairy (true story) Reply with quote

Boy gets hilarious letter from tooth fairy after asking to increase his $1 to $5
ELIZA MURPHY, Good Morning America Fri, Aug 4 1:49 PM PDT

One mom in Waco, Texas, came up with a creative and constructive response when her son asked the tooth fairy for more money.

Little Hallister Senn, 8, wrote a letter to the tooth fairy on July 31 asking her to increase the amount she left for his tooth from $1 to $5 because he “worked so hard to pull it out.”

“Dear Tooth Fairy, I want a five dollar bill or hire [higher], besides I worked so hard to pull it out. From Hallister. Here's your dollar. Have it under my pillow by afternoon,” read the earnest, handwritten note he left under his pillow.

When his mom, Elizabeth Senn, discovered it, she knew she had to come up with something creative in response — and boy did she accomplish that goal.

“Once I started typing, it just all started coming out,” Senn, a graphic designer, said with a laugh. “I didn’t respond until the 2nd because I needed a day or so to think about it.”

“My name is Dee Kay. My associate Tooth Fairy told me about your letter and I have been assigned to your case, #092208-5,” the clever mom’s tooth fairy response began.

“One thing we do agree on and have taken into consideration, it was very bold of you to ask for more money,” the letter continued, in part. “Since all your teeth have been cavity free we decided to increase our TPO (tooth pay out) by $1 for future extractions. This is with the stipulation the tooth is cavity free. Should you place a cavity filled tooth under your pillow you will receive a bill to cover our costs of flight travel.”

The little boy was stunned.

“I didn’t really expect her to respond,” Hallister told ABC News.



Senn said she thinks her son was hoping to make a fast buck after spending his entire savings, $20 dollars, on a new watch the day before.

“He wanted to recoup his wallet quicker than normal,” she explained, adding, “He took the dollar and he hasn’t complained. I don’t think he’ll be writing any more letters to her.”

Hallister agreed. He’s done chatting with the tooth fairy.

“Nope. I’m not going to try again,” he said.



https://www.yahoo.com/gma/boy-gets-hilarious-letter-tooth-fairy-asking-increase-165104034--abc-news-parenting.html
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 512
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Thu Aug 10, 2017 3:28 pm    Post subject: Ah, the good life... Reply with quote

I talked to a homeless man recently and asked him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I was paroled."
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