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New batch of jokes
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UnMask



Joined: 18 Sep 2006
Posts: 1593
Location: USA East Coast

PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 7:49 pm    Post subject: I stayed up late last night.... Reply with quote

Every once in a while I think of a joke...

One is new, the other might have been lost in the crash.

"Not only wasn't he the sharpest knife in the drawer, he was a spoon."

"Temptation is bi-directional. You've given in if you've put out."

In Avenue Viet, the right is always wrong and the left is always right.
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Wildflower



Joined: 03 Mar 2005
Posts: 6881
Location: Shuttling between France and the US

PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 8:03 pm    Post subject: On AvenueViet... Reply with quote

UnMask wrote:
In Avenue Viet, the right is always wrong and the left is always right.

Very funny, and almost correct, except when "the right" is Jeff Flake or Shepard Smith. shameless grin

Some of the left can be idiots too, and when they are, we call them out. We are an Equal Opportunity website. satisfied content

As you all know, I don't hold with the left's Political Correctness.
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Thu Jan 11, 2018 1:10 am    Post subject: Andy Rooney on Sex Reply with quote

>> ON SEX!
>>
>> 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember which I chose.
>>
>> 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
>>
>> 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
>>
>> 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
>>
>> 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop,'…- unless they are used together.
>>
>> 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
>>
>> 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
>>
>> 8. Virginity can be cured.
>>
>> 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
>>
>> 10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
>>
>> 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
>>
>> 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
>>
>> 13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
>> Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
>>
>> 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
>> He was happy with the Hole and… she was happy with the Thing.
>>
>> 15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
>> Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
>>
>> 16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>> Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
>>
>> 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
>>
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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 315
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 3:42 am    Post subject: Some one liners Reply with quote

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 315
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 3:47 am    Post subject: Interactive joke Reply with quote

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy.

A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-tencap for my car."

The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?"

The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!"

Perplexed, the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs.

Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.

shameless grin
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Pungconk



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 181
Location: NYC

PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2018 12:40 am    Post subject: Spread the Stupidity Reply with quote

Unfortunately, most of the stupid things in this "stupid world" are in the United States... And a number of the things with words are in English, doesn't work in other languages (that I know of).

Most of these are old, but they are still true. shameless grin

Spread the Stupidity
>>>>
>>>> Only in This Stupid World do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
>>>>
>>>> Only in This Stupid World do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
>>>>
>>>> Only in This Stupid World do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
>>>>
>>>> Only in This Stupid World do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
>>>>
>>>> Only in This Stupid World do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
>>>>
>>>> Only in This Stupid World do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
>>>>
>>>> EVER WONDER
>>>>
>>>> Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
>>>>
>>>> Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
>>>>
>>>> Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
>>>>
>>>> Why is it that Doctors call what they do 'practice'?
>>>>
>>>> Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
>>>>
>>>> Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
>>>>
>>>> Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
>>>>
>>>> Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
>>>>
>>>> Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
>>>>
>>>> Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
>>>>
>>>> You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
>>>>
>>>> Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
>>>>
>>>> Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
>>>>
>>>> I like this one!
>>>>
>>>> If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
>>>>
>>>> If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
>>>>
>>>> Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle) in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.
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inkling7
Admin Pro Tem


Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 6711
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Sat Feb 03, 2018 5:27 am    Post subject: Pro and Con Reply with quote

In the case of the US at the moment Congress is the opposite of Progress...LOL super grin
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Tue Feb 06, 2018 5:14 pm    Post subject: New words for 2018/office talk Reply with quote

NEW WORDS FOR 2018: Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a Deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS : The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.

4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

8. SITCOMs : Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT : Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The J-Lo and Ben wedding (or not) was a prime example - Michael Jackson, another.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake)

18. WOOFS : Well-Off Older Folks.

19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Wed Feb 07, 2018 1:51 am    Post subject: Fable of the Porcupines Reply with quote

WHAT PEOPLE CAN LEARN FROM PORCUPINES

Fable of the Porcupines
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.

The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions.

After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth.

Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.

The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.

The moral of the story is:

Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life!

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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Sat Feb 17, 2018 2:35 pm    Post subject: Criteria for hiring Reply with quote

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather
forecaster the forecast for the next few hours. The palace
meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

So the king and the queen went fishing. On the way he met a man
with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man
if the fish were biting.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to
the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high
regard. He is an educated and experienced professional.
Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very
different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short
time a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen
were totally soaked.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order
to fire the meteorologist. Then he summoned the fisherman
and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything
about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If
I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that...
it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb a$$es to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
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