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New batch of jokes
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UnMask



Joined: 18 Sep 2006
Posts: 1310
Location: USA East Coast

PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 5:49 pm    Post subject: I stayed up late last night.... Reply with quote

Every once in a while I think of a joke...

One is new, the other might have been lost in the crash.

"Not only wasn't he the sharpest knife in the drawer, he was a spoon."

"Temptation is bi-directional. You've given in if you've put out."

In Avenue Viet, the right is always wrong and the left is always right.
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Wildflower



Joined: 03 Mar 2005
Posts: 6572
Location: Shuttling between France and the US

PostPosted: Sat Jan 06, 2018 6:03 pm    Post subject: On AvenueViet... Reply with quote

UnMask wrote:
In Avenue Viet, the right is always wrong and the left is always right.

Very funny, and almost correct, except when "the right" is Jeff Flake or Shepard Smith. shameless grin

Some of the left can be idiots too, and when they are, we call them out. We are an Equal Opportunity website. satisfied content

As you all know, I don't hold with the left's Political Correctness.
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 445
Location: Los Angeles, CA

PostPosted: Wed Jan 10, 2018 11:10 pm    Post subject: Andy Rooney on Sex Reply with quote

>> ON SEX!
>>
>> 1. When I was born, I was given a choice - a big pecker or a good memory.... I don't remember which I chose.
>>
>> 2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
>>
>> 3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
>>
>> 4. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."
>>
>> 5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop,'…- unless they are used together.
>>
>> 6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
>>
>> 7. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.
>>
>> 8. Virginity can be cured.
>>
>> 9. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.
>>
>> 10. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
>>
>> 11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dial were too small.
>>
>> 12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
>>
>> 13. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
>> Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
>>
>> 14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing.
>> He was happy with the Hole and… she was happy with the Thing.
>>
>> 15. Question: What are the three biggest tragedies in a man's life?
>> Answer: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.
>>
>> 16. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
>> Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.
>>
>> 17. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!
>>
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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 15 Jan 2010
Posts: 292
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 1:42 am    Post subject: Some one liners Reply with quote

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

If FED EX and UPS were to merge, would they call it EF'D UP?

Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of us are out of film.

How much deeper would the oceans be without sponges?

If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while your ahead"?!

If a deaf kid swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

What would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 15 Jan 2010
Posts: 292
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Tue Jan 23, 2018 1:47 am    Post subject: Interactive joke Reply with quote

This an interactive joke, so have a piece of paper and pen handy.

A blonde woman walks into an auto parts store and the parts man asks how she is doing and what can he do for her. She replies, "Fine, I need a seven-tencap for my car."

The man asks," A seven-ten cap? Where does it go, I've never heard of such a thing?"

The blonde angrily replies, "It goes on top of the engine and don't think just because I'm blonde I don't know what I'm talking about!!"

Perplexed, the parts man asks if she would draw him a picture and maybe help him out in figuring out what it is she needs.

Reader: Draw the number 710 in the middle of the paper and draw a circle around the whole number. Now turn the paper upside down.

shameless grin
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