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New batch of jokes
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 495
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Fri Sep 09, 2016 11:52 pm    Post subject: New batch of jokes Reply with quote

Non-political, except maybe for the last one! super grin

> 1.) *** A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
>
> As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills ?"

> "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that that could possibly help you sleep !
>
> "She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. and believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night."
>
> You gotta love Grandmas !
>
>
> 2.) *** A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
>
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
>
> Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
>
> A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind ! I was supposed to get off four stops ago !"
>
>
> 3.) *** Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
>
> The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.
>
> The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

> 1) It is perfect formula for the child.
>
> 2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
>
> 3) It is always the right temperature.
>
> 4) It is inexpensive.
>
> 5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
>
> 6) It is always available as needed.
>
> And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
>
> 7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.
>
> He got an: "A+"!
>
>
> 4.) *** An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
>
> But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
>
> "You lissina me, boy ! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."
>
> "Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up !"
>
>
> 5.) *** A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
>
> "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
>
> The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men
> for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom? "His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".
>
>
> After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them? She said, " Most of them become taxi
> drivers! "
>
>
> 6.) *** A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and a free education!"
>
> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
>
> The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
>
> The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."
>
> The new arrival walks farther and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, " Thank you for wonderful America !"
>
> That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not American."
>
> He finally sees a woman and asks, "Are you an American?" She says, "No, I am from Africa." Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Americans ?"
>
> The African woman checks her watch and says, "Probably at work!"
>
>
>
> IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.
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Asian_Princess



Joined: 05 Aug 2007
Posts: 535
Location: Far East

PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:44 am    Post subject: Stereotypes Reply with quote

Quote:
A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. American for letting me into this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care and a free education!"
>
> The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."
>
> The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America."
>
> The person says, "I not American, I Vietnamese."

I protest the dig at the Vietnamese. Incorrect stereotype! Vietnamese, and Asians in general, WORK - and do not speak pidgin English. Very Mad

Quote:
IF YOU DON'T PASS THIS ON TO YOUR FRIENDS, BY TOMORROW, YOU WILL RECEIVE THREE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ABSOLUTELY FREE.

There are NO Vietnamese illegal immigrants, as far as I know. How would they get to the US? Row their junks all the way from Vietnam????

For that matter, there are not many African Africans around either. The Blacks in the US are American, starting with the president, and on to all the descendants of the slaves imported against their will. That joke is extremely racist.

Angela, I'll bet it's a white person who forwarded it to you. You are white yourself, aren't you? And you're probably going to vote Trump?
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vu



Joined: 30 Apr 2005
Posts: 2360
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2016 12:55 am    Post subject: New batch of jokes Reply with quote

Many of them are quite sexist, but the last one is awful! one
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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 302
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2016 2:05 am    Post subject: Stereotypes Reply with quote

That reminds me of the joke about Jehovah going around the different people on the planet, trying to get someone to take his Ten Commandments.

First he comes to the Arabs, telling them he has these ten rules on how to lead a good life. They ask God to give an example, and He says, "Well, the first commandment is 'Thou Shalt Not Kill'." The Arabs say: "Not kill? That's not for us, forget it!"

God then goes to the Mexicans. They stop him at "Thou Shalt Not Steal" - "Caramba! How we gonna make a living? No, no, we don't want your commandments."

God goes to the Blacks and tells them about "Thou shalt honor thy father and mother". The Blacks respond: "My mother is a whore and I don't know who my father is. How could I honor them?"

Then it's the French's turn. At "Thou shalt not commit adultery", they are shocked "No adultery? What fun is that?"

[There are people for the other commandments, but I can't remember them.]

Lastly, God goes to the Jews, who ask him "How many commandments, and how much do you want for them?" - "There are ten, and they are free." - "OK, we'll take the lot!"

And that how Moses got the Ten Commandments. super grin

It may not be politically correct, but at least it's equal-opportunity stereotyping. No one is spared!
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Vroom Vroom



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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2016 2:10 am    Post subject: A couple of other jokes Reply with quote

Whenever your ex says, "You'll never find someone like me," the answer to that is, "That's the point."

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
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Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2016 2:22 pm    Post subject: The Ten Commandments Reply with quote

Old joke but still funny, at least if you don't mind the politically incorrect offensiveness! As long as there is something nasty about every one, I call it humor and not racism!
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Laurelluin



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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2016 3:37 pm    Post subject: It's a joke, Joyce Reply with quote

It makes me sad to read this list of jokes, and the responses, instead of wry amusement, is offense that the jokes are racist or sexist and therefore not funny.

It's a shame that political correctness has robbed society of its ability to laugh at itself.

Reminds me of what Inkling said to me three or four years ago--it's a joke, Joyce. Revive your sense of humour.
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Kerowyn
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Joined: 04 Sep 2011
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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2016 5:55 pm    Post subject: Re: It's a joke, Joyce Reply with quote

Laurelluin wrote:
It makes me sad to read this list of jokes, and the responses, instead of wry amusement, is offense that the jokes are racist or sexist and therefore not funny.

It's a shame that political correctness has robbed society of its ability to laugh at itself.

Reminds me of what Inkling said to me three or four years ago--it's a joke, Joyce. Revive your sense of humour.

You'll notice that only one person objected to the jokes. She does lose her sense of humour when it comes to Feminism or what she perceives at Racism. It's not the first time. The funniest time was when she objected to some list or other, saying that it'd be different from a woman's point of view - and it turned out the list had been compiled by a woman!!

The rest of us found the jokes funny.
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Vroom Vroom



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PostPosted: Sat Sep 10, 2016 6:20 pm    Post subject: Re: It's a joke, Joyce Reply with quote

Kerowyn wrote:
You'll notice that only one person objected to the jokes.

Actually, Kerowyn, there were two. But Asian Princess only objected to the dig at Vietnamese, and pointed out something quite true about Africans. In fact, the same thing can be said about the Ten Commandments joke, the Blacks there are African-American blacks, I don't think that thing about not knowing who your father is is true in African countries, only in the US inner cities, for various sociological and social welfare reasons.

Oh my this The Funnies subforum has gotten quite serious all of a sudden! Neutral

Be of good cheer, though. I really think that most people on this site are able to laugh at themselves. Very Happy
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
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PostPosted: Thu Sep 15, 2016 12:42 am    Post subject: How old? Reply with quote

This one has done the rounds, but well... I got it again in my email, so posting it. At least this time I know I'm posting it in the right place! super grin

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING,
SURELY I CAN 'T LOOK THAT OLD.

WELL . . . YOU 'LL LOVE THIS ONE.

MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST
APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.

I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.

SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 40-ODD YEARS AGO.

COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?

UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.

THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD
TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.

AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK
HIGH SCHOOL ...

'YES. YES, I DID. I 'M A MUSTANG, ' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.

WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE? ' I ASKED.

HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1967.. WHY DO YOU ASK? '

YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.

HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED FACED, ASKED ME: 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'
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