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Definitions of "Old"

 
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Pungconk



Joined: 04 Mar 2005
Posts: 181
Location: NYC

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 4:41 pm    Post subject: Definitions of "Old" Reply with quote

# 1 I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.
She turned to me and asked,
"Are you having it catered?"

And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

# 2 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
"How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied: "Two years older than me"
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

# 3 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure.

#4 I've sure gotten old! I have outlived
my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

# 5 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.

# 6 An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed.
"Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

#7 My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

#8 Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out

# 9 It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.

# 10 These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

# 11 THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.

Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

Have a Great Day!
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Wildflower



Joined: 03 Mar 2005
Posts: 6881
Location: Shuttling between France and the US

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 4:53 pm    Post subject: Definitions of "Old" Reply with quote

My favourites are # 1 and # 11!!
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Vroom Vroom



Joined: 16 Jan 2010
Posts: 315
Location: United States Of America

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 4:59 pm    Post subject: Definitions of "Old" Reply with quote

I loved # 7 !!! super grin
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Fri Aug 26, 2016 5:54 pm    Post subject: The New Alphabet (for old people) Reply with quote

The Alphabet :
A is for apple, and B is for boat, That used to be right, but now it won't float! Age before beauty is what we once said, But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now The NEW Alphabet:

A is for arthritis; B is for the bad back; C is for the chest pains, perhaps car-di-ac?

D is for dental decay and decline; E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!

F is for farting and fluid retention; G is for gut droop, which I'd rather not mention.

H is for high blood pressure--I'd rather it low; I is for incisions with scars you can show.

J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend; K is for knees that crack when they bend.

L is for libido, what happened to sex? M is for memory, I forget what comes next.

N is for neuralgia, in nerves way down low; O is for osteo, bones that don't grow!

P is for prescriptions, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!

Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu? R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears; T is for Tinnitus; bells in my ears!

U is for urinary; troubles with flow; V is for vertigo, that's 'dizzy,' you know..

W is for worry, now what's going 'round? X is for X ray, and what might be found.

Y is for another year I'm left here behind; Z is for zest I still have -- in my mind!

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed.

And I'm keeping twenty-six doctors fully employed!

HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!
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