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New batch of jokes
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Thu May 24, 2018 4:44 pm    Post subject: Did I read that right? Reply with quote

Some are old, but surprisingly enough, some I hadn't seen before. Laughed out loud whether old or new. Very Happy

Did I read that right?


Did I read that sign right?
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------------
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------------------
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------
Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------------
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.
------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)
Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife And Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day..
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works better than a fair trial! -
---------------------------- ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya' think?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ---------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
------------------------------ ------------------------------ ------------------------------ --------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************** ****************************** ********************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** ****
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
****************************** ****************************** ****************************** *****
And the winner is...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2018 12:24 am    Post subject: Blonde Logic - Police Recruiting Reply with quote

Blonde Logic - Police Recruiting / Ha, HA!!!

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the QUEENSLAND Police.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you wanta be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
"To be a copper, you have to be able to detect.
You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
So he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said,
"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a side profile of his face!
You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde,
stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
"What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed,
Didn't you hear what I just told the last applicant?
This is side picture profile of the man's face!
Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but....."
He flashed the photo for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual features about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did... This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right!
His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooo!
With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.
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inkling7
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Joined: 01 Jun 2008
Posts: 6713
Location: Australia

PostPosted: Sat Aug 11, 2018 4:57 am    Post subject: Police Recruiting Reply with quote

I must confess that this applies to a lot of police applicants it seems.... I pity blondes for these jokes and thank gawd I am not blonde... super grin
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Sat Aug 18, 2018 12:53 am    Post subject: Children Are Quick Reply with quote

Children Are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
______________________________ ______
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
______________________________ ______________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
______________________________ ____
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago
WINNIE: Me!
______________________________ ____________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________________________ _________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________ ________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mum is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, Sir. It's the same dog.
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Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Tue Sep 04, 2018 5:43 pm    Post subject: For those engineers among us Reply with quote

Some older (meaning I have seen them before and you probably did too!), some new to me...Anything for a therapeutic chuckle !!! super grin

For those engineers among us ~~~
>>
>
>>>>> Understanding Engineers #1
>>>>>
>>>>> Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
>>>>>
>>>>> The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
>>>>>
>>>>> The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Understanding Engineers #2
>>>>>
>>>>> To the optimist, the glass is half-full.
>>>>> To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
>>>>> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Understanding Engineers #3
>>>>>
>>>>> A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
>>>>>
>>>>> The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
>>>>>
>>>>> The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!."
>>>>>
>>>>> The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight" The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them."
>>>>>
>>>>> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Understanding Engineers #4
>>>>>
>>>>> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
>>>>>
>>>>> Mechanical engineers build weapons.
>>>>>
>>>>> Civil engineers build targets.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Understanding Engineers #5
>>>>>
>>>>> The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
>>>>> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
>>>>> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
>>>>> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Understanding Engineers #6
>>>>>
>>>>> Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don' t fix it.
>>>>> Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Understanding Engineers #7
>>>>>
>>>>> An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
>>>>>
>>>>> The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
>>>>>
>>>>> The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
>>>>>
>>>>> The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."
>>>>>
>>>>> Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
>>>>>
>>>>> Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
>>>>>
>>>>> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Engineering
>>>>>
>>>>> Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.
>>>>>
>>>>> A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
>>>>>
>>>>> We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.
>>>>>
>>>>> The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground.
>>>>>
>>>>> Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
>>>>>
>>>>> One student shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
>>>>>
>>>>> Both have since flunked out and are now serving in the U.S. Congress.
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