AVENUE VIET Forum Index AVENUE VIET
An Online Community
 
AlbumAlbum   FAQFAQ   SearchSearch   MemberlistMemberlist   UsergroupsUsergroups   RegisterRegister 
 ProfileProfile   Log in to check your private messagesLog in to check your private messages   Log inLog in 
The views expressed herein are the writers' own and do not necessarily reflect those of the webmasters, administrators and moderators of this forum. Refer to the complete disclaimer.
*Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business*

 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    AVENUE VIET Forum Index » The Funnies
View previous topic :: View next topic  
Author Message
vu



Joined: 30 Apr 2005
Posts: 2371
Location: L.A., California

PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 4:09 pm    Post subject: *Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business* Reply with quote

New version of an old "political dictionary"

*Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business*

Confused about the difference between socialism, Communism, and the
politics of huge corporations? This basic “dictionary” may help.

Feudalism: You have two cows. The lord of the manor takes some of the milk.
And all the cream.

Pure Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them
in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows.
The government gives you as much milk as you need.

Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes one of your cows and
gives it to your neighbor. You're both forced to join a cooperative where
you have to teach your neighbor how to take care of his cow.

Bureaucratic Socialism: You have two cows. The government takes them and
puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by
ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government
took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and as
many eggs as its regulations say you should need.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take
care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of
them, and you all share the milk.

Russian Communism: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but
the government takes all the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you
with milk. You wait in line for you share of the milk, but it's so long
that the milk is sour by the time you get it.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Militarism: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Pure Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to
tell you who gets the milk.

American Democracy: The government promises to give you two cows if you
vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating
in cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate." The cows are set free.

Democracy, Democrat-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You
feel guilty for being so successful. You vote politicians into office who
tax your cows, which forces you to sell one to pay the tax. The politicians
use the tax money to buy a cow for your neighbor. You feel good. Barbra
Streisand sings for you.

Democracy, Republican-style: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You
move to a better neighborhood.

Indian Democracy: You have two cows. You worship them.

British Democracy: You have two cows. You feed them sheep brains and they
go mad. The government gives you compensation for your diseased cows,
compensation for your lost income, and a grant not to use your fields for
anything else. And tells the public not to worry.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you
can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk
them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and pours the
milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for
the missing cows.

Anarchy: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or
your neighbors try to kill you and take the cows.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You lay one off, and force the other to
produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when she drops dead.

Singaporean Democracy: You have two cows. The government fines you for
keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.

Hong Kong Capitalism (alias Enron Capitalism):
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters
of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute an
debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four
cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows.
The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian
intermediary to a Cayman Isands company secretly owned by the majority
shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows' milk back to the
listed company.
The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an
option on one more.
Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because the Feng Shui is bad.

Environmentalism: You have two cows. The government bans you from milking
or killing them.

Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them and denies
they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Foreign Policy, American-Style: You have two cows. The government taxes
them and uses the money to buy a cow for a poor farmer a country ruled by a
dictator. The farmer has no hay to feed the cow and his religion forbids
him from eating it. The cow dies. The man dies. The dictator confiscates
the dead man's farm and sells it, using the money to purchase US military
equipment. The President declares the program a success and announces
closer ties with our new ally.

Bureaucracy, American-Style: You have two cows but you have to kill one of
them because the government will only give you a license for one of them.
The license requires you to sell all your milk to the government, which
uses it to make cheese. The government pays lots of money to store the
cheese in refrigerated warehouses. When the cheese spoils, the government
distributes it to the poor. The poor get sick from the cheese, go to the
emergency room, and are turned away because they have no health insurance.
The President declares the program a success and reminds us that we have
the finest health care system in the world.

American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one to a subsidiary
company and lease it back to yourself so you can declare it as a tax loss.
Your bosses give you a huge bonus. You inject the cows with drugs and they
produce four times the normal amount of milk. Your bosses give you a huge
bonus. When the drugs cause one of the cows to drop dead you announce to
the press that you have down-sized, reducing expenses by 50 percent. The
company stock goes up and your bosses give you a huge bonus. You lay off
all your workers and move your production facilities to Mexico. You get a
huge bonus. You contribute some of your profit to the President's
re-election campaign. The President announces tax cuts for corporations in
order to stimulate the economy.

Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are
one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You teach the cows to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Your cows
always get higher test scores than cows in the U.S. or Europe, but they
drink a lot of saké.

German Corporation: You have two cows. You engineer them so they are all
blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent milk, and run a hundred miles an
hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year and are
very expensive to repair.

Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You have some vodka. You count your
cows and discover you really have five cows! You have more vodka. You count
them again and discover you have 42 cows! You stop counting cows and have
some more vodka. The Russian Mafia arrives and takes over all your cows.
You have more vodka.

Italian Corporation: You have two cows but you can't find them. While
searching for them you meet a beautiful woman, take her out to lunch and
then make love to her. Life is good.

French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want
another cow, more vacation and shorter work weeks. The French government
announces that it will never agree to your demands. You go to lunch and eat
fabulous food and drink wonderful wine. While you are at lunch, the airline
pilots and flight controllers join your strike, shutting down all air
traffic. The truckers block all the roads and the dock workers block all
the ports. By dinner time the French government announces it agrees with
all your demands. Life is good.

Political Correctness: You are associated with (the concept of "ownership"
is an outdated symbol of your decadent, warmongering, intolerant past) two
differently-aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified
gender. They get married and adopt a calf.

Counterculturalism: Wow, dude, there's like . . . these two cows, man. You
have got to have some of this milk.

Surrealism: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take
harmonica lessons.
_________________
Back to top
View user's profileSend private message
Angela



Joined: 09 Dec 2007
Posts: 532
Location: Massachusetts or Florida, depending on the season

PostPosted: Sun Dec 11, 2016 4:46 pm    Post subject: Cows, Geopolitics, and Big Business Reply with quote

Very funny! wacko

I love the French, the Italian, the American bureaucracy, and especially the Political Correctness. super grin
_________________
angel
Back to top
View user's profileSend private message
Display posts from previous:   
Post new topic   Reply to topic    AVENUE VIET Forum Index » The Funnies All times are GMT - 5 Hours
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum


Powered by phpBB © phpBB Group