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It is a truth universally acknowledged ... (amended)

 
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inkling7
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PostPosted: Sun Aug 19, 2012 1:11 am    Post subject: It is a truth universally acknowledged ... (amended) Reply with quote

It is a truth universally acknowledged ... (amended)
Date
April 30, 2011
Richard Glover

Ten or 12 years ago, I wrote a list of all the things I've learnt from watching TV. Many, I discover, are no longer relevant. It's no longer true that "every office in America has a short, perky, libidinous redhead with kooky clothes and no apparent job" — not since the demise of both Suddenly Susan and News Radio.

I also can no longer defend the idea that every square metre of Sydney Harbour contains at least a couple of floating bodies. Ten years ago, watching Colin Friels at work in Water Rats, it seemed a miracle they managed to get the ferries through to Manly.

So it's time for an update. In honour of tomorrow's Logie awards, here's what I've learnt about life from a new decade of watching TV.

1. It is illegal for an Australian police officer to meet an informant anywhere other than a lap-dancing club, with a slightly-out-of-focus pole dancer in the background, bathed in red light.

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2. In any hospital, a diagnosis delivered within the first 40 minutes is sure to be wrong. Only with 10 minutes to go is there hope the doctors might finally get it right.

3. Simply allowing Kevin McCloud on to a building site guarantees the glass won't fit.

4. Police officers are only ever able to solve crimes once they've been taken off the case.

5. The more brilliant the doctor, the more likely they're a socially abrasive curmudgeon.

6. The more brilliant the attorney, the more likely they're a socially abrasive curmudgeon.

7. The more brilliant the lie-detector psychologist, the more likely they're a socially abrasive curmudgeon.

8. When questioned by police, criminals like to keep their hands busy. That's why they're always tinkering with a car, varnishing a yacht or brushing down a horse the moment the wallopers arrive.

9. Pretty much everyone in the US works either in advertising or architecture. The only known exception was Dan Conner in Roseanne, who always looked tired, presumably because he was the only gyprock installer in a nation of 307 million.

10. The mere presence of Bear Grylls in a locality guarantees the only form of sustenance will somehow involve poo or wee.

11. Groups of young, impoverished friends living in Manhattan always live in large, sprawling apartments with funky furniture, stylish objects and a good view.

12. Just mentioning that you are a Jehovah's Witness guarantees that, within four scenes, you'll require a blood transfusion.

13. The cafe table, restaurant booth or bar stool favoured by a person or group of friends always happens to be free the moment they walk in.

14. In any human interaction, the most important thing is always said just as someone is in the process of leaving the room. What is it about the proximity of a doorway that allows people's thoughts to crystallise, causing them to suddenly pause, turn and speak?

15. When people make a date to meet, they never need to nominate the time or place; the information is apparently conveyed telepathically.

16. The fibre left at a crime scene never comes from a jumper bought at Just Jeans or Kmart. Instead, it's from a rare Belgian sheep whose fleece was sold to a company in Norway that manufactured club jackets for Mercedes drivers but only between January 1956 and June 1958.

17. Whenever anyone on the run enters a cafe, the TV in the corner is broadcasting news of their case.

18. Small towns are far more crime-ridden than cities, with the sleepy rural county of Midsomer being essentially awash with blood.

19. The chance of a character dying on a battlefield rises if he has only just reconciled with his long-lost mother/girlfriend/sister/cousin.

20. Women typically respond to impending danger by grabbing a torch and going outside to investigate wearing only a negligee.

21. The ability of a criminal to shoot straight decreases according to the importance of the cast member at whom he's shooting.

22. While accountants and psychologists are usually male, middle-aged and balding, by adding the word "forensic" to the equation the person becomes 20 years younger, fantastically good-looking and female.

23. Chairs were so badly made in the Wild West, they immediately shattered when used in a bar- room brawl.

24. The 50 people talking loudly in the pub will kindly fall into a gentle hubbub once the main characters sit down and start to talk.

25. It is impossible to purchase a house in Sydney that does not have a view of the Sydney Opera House or the Sydney Harbour Bridge.

26. Melbourne consists of two suburbs, St Kilda and Fitzroy.

27. The world's spy agencies are comprised mainly of moles, more of whom join every year.

28. Eighty per cent of judges in the US are African-American.

29. If in need of a replacement organ, immediately make contact with your no-good long-lost brother, as he will prove to be the only person who is compatible.

30. And when watching the Logies, remember it will only feel tedious for the first five or six hours.

How true and I think I know which movies and TV Shows he is talking about.

super grin
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Pungconk



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PostPosted: Fri Aug 24, 2012 12:37 am    Post subject: Forensic pathologists Reply with quote

Quote:
22. While accountants and psychologists are usually male, middle-aged and balding, by adding the word "forensic" to the equation the person becomes 20 years younger, fantastically good-looking and female.

That is so true. Moreover, they're not very credible. I'm thinking in particular of Natalie in "Forever Knight". She looks like she'd faint at the sight of a dead body, not dissect it. Even more so when the dead body of a handsome vampire suddenly comes back to life and gives every sign of falling in love with her. wacko
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